I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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