I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
