I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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