Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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