when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
