i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
