And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
