she woke up with a sticky ear
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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