dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
