allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
