i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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