I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
