Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
