i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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