we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
