i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
