her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
my liver is dry heaving
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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