They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
