So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
