Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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