I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
