So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
