I'm going to jail i love you
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Operation Purity has been aborted
sick fucks of a feather flock together
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
