Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
