Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
