I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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