OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
