you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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