what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
Just general bites
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"