you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
