our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
