The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
you had me at cake vodka
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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