Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
