I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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