Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
