Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
