this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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