Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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