the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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