Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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