my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hippo gnu deer
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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