Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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