I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
