I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
