i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
