I could have mohawked her pubes.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
