I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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