She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
