Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
there was a trapeze. enough said
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dating After Heartbreak
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
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FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual