I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
