Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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