yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
