I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I did not marry a roomba.
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