I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.